


I Can Not Stay Quiet Anymore (Until My Beating Heart Falls Silent)

by CallaMyosotis



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Suicide, Voicemail, no editing we die like robins, suicide letter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:49:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28381236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CallaMyosotis/pseuds/CallaMyosotis
Summary: Dick doesn't always pick up when Jason calls - well, Dick usually doesn't. Alright, he never does. He knows it's bad. He knows it probably makes him an asshole but Jason was just... just Jason. Sometimes, Dick really didn't have the strenght to deal with him. Listening to the voicemail is sufficient most of the time, anyway.But even if Dick doesn't usually have expectations for what Jason might have left on his voicemail - because, honestly, he was kind of unpredicatble - this definitely wasn't what he expected.
Relationships: Alfred Pennyworth & Jason Todd, Barbara Gordon & Jason Todd, Cassandra Cain & Jason Todd, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd, Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne, Jason Todd & Damian Wayne, Roy Harper & Jason Todd, Stephanie Brown & Jason Todd, Tim Drake & Jason Todd
Comments: 25
Kudos: 213





	I Can Not Stay Quiet Anymore (Until My Beating Heart Falls Silent)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there!  
> This one is an old work that I rediscovered in my drafts a while ago and I've been going back and forth on whether I should post it or not ever since. While I do like the work in general, I'm definitely not 100% happy anymore with how it deals with the subject. I wasn't sure if I wanted to put this out here. In the end I obviously decided to go for it, but please heed the warning:  
> Please be careful reading this! If you have any triggers regarding suicide, it might be better to stay away from this. Stay safe! <3
> 
> For those still deciding to go on: I hope you enjoy!  
> (As always, I'm sorry for the grammar and spelling which might be abhorent since English isn't my native language and while I did prove read this a lot since I found it again, I barely edited anything which could both mean that there are no mistakes or, much more likely, that my brain decided not to aknowledge or recognize any of them.)

„Alright, Dickhead. Better settle in ‘cause this is gonna take a while.”

Dick sighed and fell back into his armchair a little further. He actually _had_ seen Jason’s call when it got in yesterday night – this morning, to be more precise, immediately after coming back from patrol and falling into bed ready to sleep for fourteen hours straight – but. But. Jason’s calls hardly ever meant anything good. When he wasn’t about to threaten them, he was about to use Dick’s private number to make his life just that much harder and Dick really hadn’t been up to Jason’s games last night. He even considered just leaving the call there for another day or two but then he was at risk of forgetting about it and who knew if Jason really just wanted to talk this time. His voice actually was light enough, if a little strained. Must be hard for him to say one sentence to Dick –or his voicemail – and only throwing in one insult.  
“I know, we never had particularly much to say to each other but I think that is the sense of these last goodbyes, getting everything off your chest once and for all, ain’t it?”

_What?_

“So, first off: There is no particular reason why you are the one getting this call. It could have been the demon brat or my replacement or the big guy himself just as well. Hell, even blondie, for all I barely know her. This isn’t me trying to make you feel guilty and it isn’t me attacking you personally. I only called you because I knew you wouldn’t pick up and I could go straight to voicemail and then I wouldn’t have to sucesslessly try to lie to you to make you believe I just misdialled or whatever I would have come up with that you would have inevitably seen through and then I wouldn’t even have gotten to die in peace.”

**_What?_ **

“So: You it is. Which means I should probably start with you as well. Just get it all right off my chest, y’know? Here it comes: I don’t hate you. I never did. Hell, I don’t even think I’m mad at you anymore. I just never really had a reason. You never did anything and no, that isn’t supposed to be an accusation. Not this time, at least. You weren’t my father, you weren’t even ever really my brother and you sure as hell didn’t want to be. I’m, after all, not really someone to talk about loving your replacement and all that. That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt, being all alone in this giant mansion only with Mr. Emotional Constipation and Alfred, hearing all the time about how great you were and how I could never measure up, how I would _never be Dick Grayson_. It hurt, that everyone always talked about how amazing and kind you were and that you only ever not seemed to be just that when it was me around, but maybe that’s just because we barely knew each other. I mean, I saw you a grand total of five times before I bit the dirt for the first time, so I can hardly be blamed for not seeing how awesome you are.

“But, the point is, that isn’t your fault. It wasn’t your job to save me or befriend me or even like me. You weren’t obligated in any way to spend time with me and I’m sorry I made it seem like I blamed you for it after I came back. I really didn’t, I guess I was just hurt because for all you could never even look at me, you loved Tim to bits and I didn’t cope well with it and I hurt you and him and B for it. Hell, even Alfred. Guess I just never deserved you liking me and I get it: You are good, everybody knows that. You are kind and good and sunshine personificated when you aren’t currently throwing a temper tantrum. I was tainted, even before I died. I was well used to the darkness and brutality of the streets you probably barely ever saw since even Batman wouldn’t patrol them. It’s alright, we just weren’t meant to get along and I just wanted you to know that I don’t blame you for it. So, just so you have it officially: You are not to blame for the misery and eventual death of one Jason Peter Todd. There, I absolved your guilt, now just stop brooding already, please. It doesn’t suit you as well as it does the big guy.

“Now, latching onto being tainted: It’s true, I was a pretty dark Robin. Rough edges and grim resolution, no pulling my punches. But I wasn’t any angrier than you were, I wasn’t _the reckless one_. We all were reckless. Still are, to be precise. Wouldn’t be doing what we are if we weren’t. You just have to be a little nuts to put on spandex and a mask to go out and punch the bad guys. But I wasn’t any worse than any of you were. The only difference is that it killed me and you lived and somehow, that means I should be faulted for everything I ever did wrong even if you did just the same thing with a different result. Hell, I wasn’t even being reckless when I died. Did B ever tell you? Does he even know? I didn’t go after the Joker on my own. I called B when I realized he was involved, he knows that because he told me to stay put while he went after the Joker Venom. And I really meant to listen to him, but she lied to me. Sheila. My mom. She told me the Joker was gone and that she needed to show me something and then there was a gun to my head and a crowbar to my face. I don’t get why I am being the one blamed for shit happening to me when no one else ever is. No one is telling everyone how the demon brat got himself killed because Talia went nuts that one time. It’s just… I wanted you to know. If you didn’t already. Maybe you just don’t care, who knows, but…

“Anyway, moving onto lighter topics – as much that’s possible right now: The brats. As I told you, calling them right now isn’t really an option, so if you could play messenger bird this one time, that would be appreciated. First off: The replacement. Please tell him that I’m sorry. For everything he knows and everything he probably doesn’t and everything I might have done if life had been less shitty. I’m just really, really sorry because he deserved none of it and he’s actually pretty great at the job. Better than I could ever be. It won’t mean much to him, but please tell him that he didn’t only fill the shoes, he widened them out too much for anyone to ever wear again. I think that even you have to admit that looking at the detective part, none of us ever really had a chance against the little master brain.

“Now, the demon brat. There actually isn’t a lot of history here, so I don’t have much to say but please tell him that I’m sorry for shooting him that one time. I don’t know what went wrong in my head in that moment and that probably doesn’t speak for my sanity but he was just a kid, he still is, and he deserved none of it. I regret it, a lot, and I would never choose to do it again. I’m also sorry that I didn’t take him away, back when I was with the league. I saw him there, all rimrod straight back and emotionless face and little tiny limbs and I was so wrapped up in my own stuff, in my revenge and my anger and my pain that I just left him there and I think I have never regretted anything more that than.

“Not even not getting to know Stephanie better. I don’t think I’ve had more than one fight-tinged conversation with her so just tell her that she seems pretty cool and that I’m glad that the repla– Red Robin has someone like her to look after him.

“And all of you are lucky to have Cass. I know we never had much time to get to know each other and I know that she doesn’t like me much, but I want her to know how much I admire her. She is an incredible fighter, insanely kind from what I’ve heard and she actually managed to overcome the mindset she was conditioned into from a young age on, which is something I could have never managed to that degree. If anyone deserves the world for what they have gone through in their life already, it’s her.

“Talking about admiring: Babs. There isn’t that much to say here, either, surprisingly enough. She knows she will always be my Batgirl which just means she is the most kickass, amazing, admirable person to ever set foot on this earth, legs or no legs, and I know I will never be Dick Grayson. Just let her know that I never tried to be. I just thought we maybe could be something of our own and I even think we were headed there, towards the end, but we never had the time to make it and then I came back too differently to ever have a chance at that again. So, just tell her that she is probably the one person I never stopped looking up to. And that she doesn’t have to forgive me for everything I’ve done to you guys. For not being as strong as her and letting my past go to look at a brighter future. None of you do, by the way. I don’ expect forgiveness, I know we’re long past that. Just… know that I’m sorry. For everything.”  
The breath that was drawn was a little shaky, watery, but the voice still sounded like it came out through a smile, no matter how strained, when it picked up again.

“Now, this might be hard to recall later, so better listen good: The big guy. Mr. Brooding McBroodBrood. The scary bad bat himself.

“There is a lot to unpack here so I’m gonna stay on the surface: I don’t blame him for me dying. I never have and I never will. There was nothing he could have done and that was never the problem but since he won’t believe that even now, I hope y’all will forgive me for not explaining the actual issue _again_. That we have never been on the same page about that should have been clear for a while. Tell him as well that I forgive him, for everything. For my throat and for never even trying to get me back home after… after. And for Ethopia the second and all the pain and all the fights we had that were never really his fault and for the rooftop and the Penguin. For me always being the only one that he can be judge, jury and executioner for. Also tell him that this isn’t his fault. This isn’t a consequence from the rooftop, it doesn’t have anything to do with kicking me out of the family. He can’t kick me out of something I haven’t been part of for a long while. I never was his son because his son died and I came back wrong and I’m sorry that I haunted him while wearing his dead child’s face. I’m not him and it took me too damn long to figure it out and I got all of you hurt in the process, so. Sorry ‘bout that again. I’m sorry for everything and I hope B can someday move on and stop tearing himself apart over things he couldn’t have changed. Like this. I was broken the second I came back and I don’t think there was anything that could have saved me. If it hadn’t been this, the easy way out, it would have probably been a high rooftop or a bullet through my own head or whatever would have been convenient at the time. I’m only half a person coming back and it’s time that I go back to where I belong. Just clearing the air here.

“Which brings me to the most important part: Alfred. Tell him that he is the best damn thing that has ever happened to me. I want to thank him for the tea hours and the book discussions and the calm, listening ear when I felt like I had no one else. When I _did_ have no one else. I’m sorry for hurting him because that’s the one thing I never intended to do. I’m so thankful that I got to know him and even though Bruce has always been his child, he never failed to try to help me as long as I didn’t make him choose me over B. And tell him I never blamed him for that. B’s…. B is his _son,_ the child he actually raised himself. Of course he is his first priority. I never would have expected anything else.

“And while I’m at it… if Roy should ever… if he ever comes back, tell him I’m sorry. I promised and I tried and I failed and I’m so, so sorry. Guess I can’t not fuck up a single thing in my life, huh?

“And last but not least: If you ever happen upon Talia, probably tell her thanks, too. She was the second best mom I ever had, even if the competition wasn’t all that strong, to be honest. We had our issues and creepy moments but in the end, she did a lot for me, probably more than she took, and she at the very least deserves a thanks. I think I was too much off a brat to ever get around to it back in the day and never came back to it since then. I would call her now, but she would most likely bring me back just to kill me again if I called her now only to die on the phone with her. So, y’know, since you both hate each other I won’t ask you to seek her out or anything, but just… if she ever pulls one of her creepy now-I’m-not-here-now-I-am acts, just tell her. Or make her listen to this thing. Whatever you prefer. That goes for everyone else as well. If it’s too much of a bother… just click play again or whatever.

“Now, I would leave you something, you know, inheriting wise, but I don’t really own anything, so there goes that. And I don’t really have anything else to say and breathing is getting hard anyway, so…

“If you happen upon my body somehow, you know, please incarcerate it. Don’t bury me, especially not in another oak monstrosity. I don’t think I get to come back a second time after I fucked the first one up this good but just in case… I don’t think I can do waking up in a coffin again. I don’t even know if I would try getting out this time around and suffocating in a coffin just sounds unnecessarily miserable. So, you know, probably just. Don’t.

“Well, that’s it I guess. My last goodbye. I would say fuck you or insult you to go out with a last bang but this is supposed to be clearing the air so this will have to do: For all I ruined every chance of any of you loving me ever again, I never stopped loving you and wanting to be part of the family again. And despite everything, despite all the pain and misery and, well, death it brought onto all of you, I never once regretted stealing the tires of the Batmobile. Maybe that makes me selfish, but I think I’ve never been anything but, so what’s one more time.”

.

.

.

.

.

Dick couldn’t breathe. He was vaguely aware of his breath coming in shallow, short bursts, of the sweat gathering on his forehead, of the too fast hammering of his heart in his chest. It was like watching a train wreck, a car crash, an avalanche seconds before it happened: He knew a panic attack was coming for him, he knew he was halfway there already, knew all the signs and all the tells and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

He almost jumped out of his skin when a hand suddenly came down on his shoulder. His eyes shot up and into focus to lock onto two startingly blue ones. Clear blue, ocean blue. _Not robin’s egg blue. Not teal._ A slightly frantic, concerned voice was the next thing filtering through. “-ick? Dick? You alright? I’ve been trying to get you to respond for a few minutes now.” A hand was brought up in a small waving gesture to symbolize the passing of time. Dick’s eyes got caught on the shiny black object in its grasp. His phone. It must have fallen out of his hand and onto the floor. His phone. _The voicemail_. “Dick? Are you alright? Scratch that. What’s wrong?”

Dick was out of his seat and stumbling to the door without sparring a second to answer Tim. The only thought on his mind was –

“ _Jason!”_

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again!  
> Thank you for reading. Reviews would be very much appreciated!


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